Saturday, August 9, 2014

post on the real [homecoming edition]

This has been sitting in my posts folder as a draft for over a month now.  It is collection of some of my thoughts from the past two years and how I feel about Haig coming home and what will happen next in our life.  It is about my open insecurities, but also how I overcame them.  It is about my love for the gospel, my support system and Elder Pinsent.

I hope with all of my heard that I have been a good support to him.  I think while he has been gone I have been a good friend, a good sister, daughter, a good Latter-Day Saint, student, worker and ambassador.  I have had many opportunities to have fun but I am far from perfect and I have made mistakes.  He has been learning so much, especially about the gospel, and I have been here doing whatever I can to learn, grow and achieve.  Have I done enough?   It feels like there is just not enough time in the day, and I have a number of things to focus on.  Feeling like you won't be good enough for yourself is one thing, but feeling like you won't be good enough for someone else is a challenge.   Luckily, I found relief in the atonement and I have been able to forsake and forget about my shortcomings.

You know what else has been REALLY hard?  Seeing so many girls get the things that I strive to have. Sometimes it is just little things like going on dates or catching people in a public display of affection, but the bigger things stung more.  It was also so hard to go through a terrible experience in which I had two people betray me.  I have seen many engagements, marriages, babies and special trips to the temple.  It has been hard to be happy for these people, especially my close friends.  I have to be so much more patient in waiting for those things to happen to me.  This was my choice though, and I am happy for it.  More importantly, I have learned so much about how I want him to be with me when I take those steps in life.  I need him with me, by my side, especially for some of the more important steps we will take together.

Out of all of this, my anxiousness and sometimes worry, HE is coming home.  When he left, I thought it would never come.  It has been a long, and short two years.  One of the frequently asked questions that I get is "has it gone by fast?" and I never really know how to answer it.  Most of the time I say that there were long periods and short periods.  Some say that the last couple months go by quick, but I am finding this July so long, so I know August may feel the same.  The timing didn't work out in our favour for some things, like starting school but in a way the timing couldn't be better.  He will be here for my final year of my undergrad.  It makes me realize that I needed to take that year off, because I needed him here with me for this.  I also like we are the perfect age for our next journey.  I have always wanted a lot of exciting things to happen when I was 22 (my golden year).  It will be so much fun and I am hoping to capture most of these moments and treasure them forever.

He has been such a wonderful missionary, son, friend and companion.  He has met so many people and we will probably visit again someday, just not in the foreseeable future.  Minnesota means a lot to him, which in turn means a lot to me.  He never forgot to tell me that he loves Me.  Sometimes it felt like his love was so far away, but it came along in an e-mail every Monday or letter every once in awhile and it made everything better.  I don't know how we will explain everything that happened over the past two years to each other, but I am sure we will figure out ways to talk about the big things and how they impacted our lives.  I am also so thankful for the opportunity and chance that I took to become closer to his family.  I have friendships with them that will last forever and I am happy to already call them my own.

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