who you are

This is going to be a pretty real life post about something that have been on my mind lately. 

I am insecure.

I've felt like this for a little while now, but just over the past month it has really escalated. I have been especially insecure with how I look. My acne has come back in full force and my hair has been getting more and more unhealthy. For those of you that don't know, acne is something I have stuggled with for a long time but has definitely been better in more recent years. It just makes me feel so insecure to  hide my face behind make-up that isn't being applied in the right way. Don't tell me what to try, because I probably have tried it already and it hasn't worked for me (proactiv is a joke people, for me at least).  All of the cleansers, moisturizers, or natural oils have not been able to help me out this time around. I think it will just be time to let nature run it's course. So if you see me someday at work, at church or running errands and you can see my red skin and white head pimples, please don't have the nerve to tell me, because I already know.

Then comes the hair. The last time I got my hair cut the hairdresser literally said "oh, your hair is soo unhealthy". Like, wow thanks a lot that's great to hear? I have had better hair days,but since that cut in February I have been scared to see a hair dresser again, afraid of being judged. So again, someone pointed it out to me recently and I was upset. No one wants to hear negative remarks about their looks, especially not when I am feeling like this. So today, I put my big girl pants on and I went in to a new stylist and told her to cut all my hair off, and I am pretty happy with the results, except I think I will be getting a new curling wand soon to be able to tame these short but luscious locks.

  

I have been experiencing insecurities in other aspects of my life though, not just my looks. I don't think of myself as vain when it comes to my looks, but I am concerned for my health and my body and that does include my self-image and how it boosts my confidence. Does that make sense? 

I am feeling pretty good about work right now and our plans for the summer. I don't know what this next year will hold and my husband is getting pretty bummed out about me worrying every minute of every day about all of these little things that I think about. I focus so much on the planning of the events or setting goals that I have been having a hard time being present in the now. That makes me insecure. I am worried so much about the future so it makes it hard to find joy in the present. 

When it comes down to it, these insecure feelings are just weighing me down. If I could just learn to be who I am without worrying what other people thing, without worrying what tomorrow brings I would be so much better off, and maybe it would help the acne clear up too. I hope I can find new ways to embrace myself, love myself, learn more about myself and grow into a more confident and happier woman. I think the hair cut was the first step.